(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Control and people.

I know what a majority of my problems come from.
I give other people too much control of my emotions.
That has been my problem this whole summer, I have felt the worst this summer because I literally take pieces of myself, hand them to other people, and let them drop me, break me, fuck me over.
I'm aware that doing that is the only way to have friends and family and people that love you but God... is it really that worth it?
Would it be that bad for me to live my life entirely for myself, entirely by myself?
I'm not sure if I would hate that more or not.
I'm just so dependent on others now. I hate myself for being dependent.
I used to be afraid of relationships, I thought they weren't worth it, but now --after having one-- I just want it. I want to feel like there's always someone there for me.
I want someone to take all my bullshit and turn it into something good.
I'm the only one that can do that though, I'm the only one that can make myself happy.
I have to be happy alone before I can be truly happy with someone else.

I am literally Alice from Alice In Wonderland right now.
I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.
I'm trying to get better at following it.

I had sex with the boy that had a girlfriend.
Before and after he broke up with her.
I creep on his ex/girlfriend's Instagram.
I thought after he broke up with her that maybe something would happen with us.
But then I went to Wisconsin and I feel like since I've been back it's just been weird.
I feel like he uses me for a place to get high or something...
I don't completely mind because he always gets me high, too, but still.
I know they broke up because the day after he told me he did it, her Instagram was completely void of him.
But now his name and the date they got together last year is in her bio again.
What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do.
I am literally a terrible person.
I have become so many of the things that I hate.
I'm constantly thinking about the past and the future, but that doesn't help me make good decisions.

This keyboard cover was pissing me off so much but I think I finally got it on right and oh my God, it's so much better.

Anyways, I finally asked the dude today what the fuck was going on.
I wanted to do it in person but I feel kind of like he's been avoiding me... It might be me overthinking, but I dunno.
He kind of just ignored the question about him and his I'm-not-sure-if-it's-ex-or-current-again girlfriend.
And instead of answering my questions, he was just asking me questions, and then I read it wrong and replied weird and ugh.
And then he just never replied.
I'm telling myself I'm just not going to text him, but I'm so bad at that.

...I just want something to go right for me. I want to either stop being attracted to assholes, or I want to go back to being afraid of relationships.
I would rather be the way I was a year ago than the way I am now, honestly.
I don't completely regret everything that's happened to me this past year, but I think I like the old me better.
The new me kind of sucks.

Also, I can't fucking stop eating. I'm back at, like, 140 and I want to die.
I'm eating my emotions every day and then I go to bed full and wanting to cry.
I hope I maintained 140 today.

At one point I had hopes that I could be around 129 or something before I go back to school.
At this rate, I'll go back the same weight that I left.
I can't do that. I can't.

I'm feeling so shitty and I just want to keep writing forever but I also don't.
I'm listening to sad music.
Fuck me. God, I hate this.
Why did I decide to be like this? Why did I do this?
I try to starve myself to feel better but starving makes me feel like shit sometimes, so then I eat and eating makes me feel like shit too.

I go to therapy on Friday again. I don't lie when I go to therapy, but I don't tell the full truth I think.
I just feel better in therapy. It's harder to recall bad feelings when you're in a good mood, just like it's hard to recall good feelings when you're in a bad mood.
Depression is literally a never-ending cycle. It feeds on itself.
It is infinite.

I hate infinity. Infinity contradicts itself.
Not everything has to have an ending, but everything has to have a beginning.
How does something that is a loop have a beginning.
I just can't.

How was your Warped? Awesome I hope. I went to two, and they were both great. Who did you go to see? Oh God, trash reality TV is just so good sometimes, but I can get really into series. I've been watching PLL since it premiered, like, five years ago or something and I'm not even sure if I like it anymore, I just have to watch it. (I feel like I've said that already on my blog, so if I just repeated myself... My bad.)
God, fuck boys. I am just really done right now... But about ignoring your ex, I was literally scared of doing that for a while, but it turns into a habit if you let it. My ex hardly ever contacts me, so I just had to keep myself from texting him first for a while, but it gets easier. I know everyone says that, but seriously. Three, maybe even two, months ago, I could hardly imagine life without my ex, and now it's easy. You can do it, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

GOD. I talk so much.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I literally feel like the worst person ever. I just now checked your blog, and I cannot believe I let seven months go by. You haven't posted since then, either, and I sincerely hope you are doing really really well. I hope you hardly ever think about your weight, and I hope you are happy. I'm going to leave my email here, on the off chance that you still check this thing. I don't want to drag you back down this line of thinking if you're doing okay so please feel free to ignore me, but keep in mind that I'm here if you ever need anything,
    <3 Lee