(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Saturday, July 12, 2014


I can't tell if I'm getting better or not. I can't tell if I'm actually getting over my ex.
Some days it still really hurts. Today it doesn't hurt that bad, today might be an okay day.
It doesn't help that I'm supposed to be getting my period this week. My mood is always shittier when I'm getting my period.
I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time and done so much for him, because all he did in return was fuck me over.
I regret it and don't regret it at the same time.
Also, I've realized I was only actually in a relationship with him for, like, three or four months, not the seven I'd thought it was.
I want to go back to school and I want him to come back to me, but part of me knows realistically that won't happen.
He doesn't even want to talk to me now. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't care.

I lost two pounds and it feels good. My stomach still isn't flat though...
I'm going to a grad party today and I hope I can control myself.
It looks shitty outside, I hope it doesn't rain.
God damn I want a cigarette.
I really have to pee.

I only have to go to therapy every other week now. When I'm in therapy, I talk pretty big shit about how I'm getting better, how I don't care if my ex talks to me, how excited I am to go back to school, how I'm keeping myself busy and the depression is going away.
It's only partially true.
But it's like over time I've started to feel weirder about telling my therapist everything. I trust her but I don't want to tell her.
I don't think I really want to get better.
Or maybe I just already am better.
I don't know what better is, I don't remember what it's like to be happy more often than not, so I don't know how to tell if I'm okay or getting okay or what.
Ugh. I have to pee.

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