(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Monday, July 14, 2014

Fun Foam and "Friends"

I had to go to work by myself today.
I work at a summer drama camp for kids with my high school director.
Our tech director is focusing on her own art this summer so I was offered her job basically.
I've done it for two years before this though without getting paid.
This kept me from having to get a real job too.
It pays okay, pretty awesome hourly rate, but I only work 4 days a week for 3 weeks during the summer.
It's not terrible but it's not awesome.
I have money leftover from school though, so I think I'll be fine going through this school year.
I'm going to try to only spend money on myself this year. No more chipping in on shit I don't use/want and no more buying stuff for people.
Especially buying food for my ex. Ugh.
He's still in my head every day. Fuck.
Anyways, back to the point.
Wallace, Thomas, and Lynn have been working with me for the past two camps, and they don't get paid so they're doing actual volunteer work.
So is it okay that I still got upset that none of them went today?
I'm mostly just annoyed I guess that it was all three of them on the same day.
Wallace supposedly went to work with his parents at the house they're building, but I'm not sure if I believe that honestly.
Lynn told me she was going then claimed she wasn't sure if she would be able to function on how little sleep she got because she didn't get done with her actual job until 2.
I wouldn't have really minded that so much if she hadn't told me she was going last night and then texted me this morning asking if I minded if she didn't go.
Fuck. I can't handle her sometimes.
Thomas told me last night he didn't think he would be able to wake up to go today, but he seriously told me that at like 9 or something so I told him to go to bed and he would be fine, but obviously he didn't listen to me because he wasn't awake in time this morning.
All of their apologizing and asking if I'm okay and asking about the kids and the camp bothers me the most.
And I'm just in a shitty mood, period is coming and I'll probably have it at Warped and that sucks so much.

I didn't eat today and I drank a moderate amount of water, like a little over 120 oz maybe. I don't know.
I filled my water bottle 5 times I think.
I'm nervous I'm at a plateau again. I can never last through plateaus.

I want to be skinny and I also want to be recovered, or at least recovering.
I used to think this was so hard but now it's easier than recovering.
I never thought I'd be this person, I never wanted to be this person.

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