(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Parties and Lion King.

I can't come put with titles for posts lately.
Seriously, it's ruh-tarded.
I have to go tell my brother it's almost time for him to go to sleep... in a few minutes.
Ugh. :P

Anyways, tomorrow I think I'm going to a birthday party...
Yeah, not many seventeen year olds have parties anymore... plus, this girl isn't one of my closer friends, so it might be a little weird.
I didn't really want to go until I heard today that we're going to go see Lion King.
Been craving that movie.
Is that weird? To crave a movie? Pft, I do it all the time.
Okay, maybe not all the time... I'm really bad at watching movies lately; not even lately, longer than that.
I can't focus.
Muppet theme song? Okay then...

Anyways, still not for sure if I'm totally up for the party tomorrow, but I sort of have to go now.
I said I would, and I am excited, and I have fun with everybody that's there.
I'm just occasionally a bit louder and more inappropriate than all of them...
They're not my first choice, I guess.
Plus, they're still sort of... how do I say this.
Like, they're more mature than I am, but it's like they're less mature at the same time?
Yeah, hard to explain.

This is really long, sort of.
I had more to say, and I forgot.

Um, thanks anybody who comments for commenting, and I know I used to actually reply to those on here, but I don't know if I'm going to in the future...
If you guys want me to, I can, because comments seriously make my day, like, x100.

And now my train of thought is gone.
I'm tired.
I didn't do my homework.


Monday, September 26, 2011

Sick and tired.

Ughughugh, I'm sick.
Not cool.
Stuffy nose, congestion.
Is that the word. Gross.
My head feels clogged.
Lol. That sounds even nastier.
It made me a little tweak-y throughout the day.
In a good way.
First hour contained some of the least funny shit ever that had me laughing pretty much the whole time.

I have a lot of knots in my neck and back. Fuckinghurts, uncomfortable.

Today was also a very sugar-filled day.
I'm surprised I was able to nap and still be tired now.
Like, no joke. Cinnamon roll, Danish roll, Twizzlers, Sour Patch Kids... God, help me?

I can only breathe out of half my nose right now..

I really need to try harder. Anybody have any inspirational/motivational words they'd like to share.
Much appreciated...

Um, I never know how to end these now.
I think I'm getting a bit more normal here though.

I'm tired.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I got my period.
It makes me feel really gross.
It used to be "so awesome"; I never got cramps or headaches or felt sick, it was "just bleeding".
I don't feel good today, though. I can't take a shower or bath either -I don't think-, because last time my vision kept on fucking up and going all black and I really didn't like it...

It sort of makes me not want to eat, though. I mean, like, there's cravings, but food so far -which has all been shit anyways- has just made things worse afterwards.
Plus I'm tired, have homework, and am fat, so that deters me from eating too.
Jeez, MLIA.

Couldn't even think of a title for this. Fuck it.


Saturday, September 24, 2011

Homecoming and dances.

Homecoming 2011 is done.
I want to say 'finally' and turn back the clock to do it all over again at the same time.
The football team won, by one point; how magical. :P
Hung out with 'everybody', but not really, along with some other people.
One of my not-so-good 'acquantances' was high, it was funny but kind of stupid.
The dance was all right, but sort of only made the hole I've dug for myself this week deeper.

I feel like I don't have any friends; or like I do, but they're not the friends I need/want.
They're all terribly self-centered... or maybe it's all just me.
I'm selfish for thinking they're selfish.
I'm sort of a horrible person.

Anyways, don't think I'll be going to the next dance. The whole thing just reminds me that I'm fat and nobody really actually likes me.

Also, I've been having... scary dreams. They're not scary in an actual nightmarish way, but to me they're horrible. They're almost always about me 'falling in love' or 'finding The One'.
I hate it, so fucking much.  There's nothing I'm more scared of than neediness, mostly in myself; in others it's sort of just annoying.
Love is just something I hope for and want as of lately I suppose, but can't have.
It's kind of a lot to think about and deal with on top of all this Junior year bullshit.
I legit cried for the first time in a long time too.


Friday, September 16, 2011

Hope and gain.

I've lost all hope with myself.
Does that make sense? Hope with myself?
I don't know, I don't really think I can do this; I'm never going to stop with my pathetic attempt at trying, but God, I'm just at a really low point -and really high weight- right now.
How can I change this?  Why do I want to?
With school and stress and my hatred of a large majority of the people on this planet...

I just can't do anything right.

I'm so fat. Jesus, I really am. Huge.

I am a failure of the largest sorts and I'm balloon-ing into something other worldly. I am ugly. I am gross. I am fatfatfatfatfat.

Nobody likes me;
Everybody hates me;
Guess that makes me stuff my fat face and turns me into something worse than I was yesterday.

I think I want to disappear.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sex, bitches, and school.

Well, hey there.
I know I just made a post, like, a few days ago... but I think I might actually be back now.
Like, to posting daily or almost daily...
I keep on forgetting how good it feels to get all this shit out, even if I'm just throwing it out on the Internet.

Anyways, school started last Tuesday.
It's going... okay, I guess. My classes aren't horrible, nor are my teachers.
My friends, on the other hand, could use a good punch in the tit / kick in the balls.
Not all of them, but a lot of them... most days.
They've all got something to bitch about!
Christine's got some daddy issues; Juice has all around issues + a "concussion"; Jane apparently started smoking and doing drugs over the summer, because of "other people" and won't ever stop talking; Axel "has asthma"....
Need I go on?
And it's like they all called each other up the day before school and planned to pile all this on me.
Like, yeah, I like to help people... but if you're going to not take my advice or listen to me at all, then don't keep coming back to me with your ugly life stories!
We all have problems, I just don't advertise mine.

LOL. My cat was just trying to scratch his ear, and he fell over...
Socute. < 3

Anyways, I don't think I should be bashing my friends, since they're pretty much all I have.
One thing that major sucks is that the friends I've got this year aren't ones that I really click with...
Like, we clash more than we mesh.
Sort of isn't good.
I mean, I've still got Jean and Beth, but they're not always on the top of my 'BFF List'... sadly.

Anyways, I've got a legit question for you guys.
I mean, it will sort of only be legit and relevant for me, but if you guys were in my situation... would you have handled this the same way, or differently?
Okay, so, Coral was supposed to come back to school this year, but now she's doing OP somewhere.  Before she left she told me that last year while I was on 4th of July vacay in WI that Deli and Dan had sex in my house.
In my kitchen.
On my counter.
Like, right then I called up Deli and asked her if it was true. Her response was basically "....nooo...", which sounds like total bullshit and didn't help me believe her at all.
For the next two or so weeks, we don't talk at all. She doesn't even bother to say happy birthday to me.
Finally, the night before the first day of school, she texts me with this fucking ridiculous belated birthday wish, plus a claim that she hadn't told me earlier because she'd been doing stuff over the weekend with her parents and hadn't had service.
My birthday was on a Wednesday.
At first, I was chill, said thanks and blahblahblah. But when she asked me for a ride -which I was going to give her illegally, since I'm only supposed to have one person in the car and I was already giving Beth a ride-, I told her that I thought she was using me; she hadn't talked to me in weeks or very much at all over the summer and she hadn't even tried to convince me that Coral's allegations weren't true.
She minor-tweaked and still did absolutely nothing to make me believe her.
We've rarely spoken at school, besides two instances of 'small talk' when I needed to know something about some kids getting pulled over that she was involved in and giving her one of the slightly gross and caramel-tasting 'Candy Corn' Dots our Chemistry teacher gave us, and she purposely talks to some of my friends when I'm there -just to bug me, I think.
When Beth asked her if we were ever going to work shit out, she said there was nothing to work out; I just didn't believe her.
There's been more going on with her concerning other people this school year -which has only lasted about a week- that includes but is not limited to her life-long friend in the next town and Beth.
Beth says she's digging herself a grave-type hole.
I definitely agree, but mostly out of anger really.

Ugh. I'm cold.
I didn't have school today because the teachers had some seminar thing.
So I've been lying around, doing nothing.
Drinking water.
Kind of but not really eating....
Watching Jumper and stuff.
I'm bored.
Homecoming is next week and I want to work on shirts with Jean and Beth, but Jean has the shirts and both of them are supposedly busy today.
My friends suck dorks.
And dorks are whale penises, in case you didn't know.
Anyways, I'm hopefully going to be sticking around this time...
If you can't tell from the length of this post, I really need an outlet to vent that won't turn around and stab me in the back.
Also, I've been reading, and commenting some. My computer is still being a total bitch about commenting, but I try.
You guys need to keep your heads up and keep going.
You're all lovely.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ex-friends and sleepovers.

Going to Christine's at 5 and sleeping over there...

Deli and I are no longer friends.

I feel like I'm losing everybody; everybody's lying and hates me.

I got my license on the first.

I can sort of comment blogs now, but I have to leave in half an hour and I'm not even close to ready...