(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Cutting and dying.

Hey babez!
I'm in a peppy mood right now -so gross, yeah?

This'll just be a quickie -mhm, that's what *he/she* said.
Don't like typing on my phone.

All the comments were fucking alpha -I think there was five or six?
Fast hullo to Samzi right now; 'sup, boo? ;] I've got a total baby 'Net crush on nearly everyone on this site, but thanks bunches. :]
Although I think I'm talking a bit different tonight than usually, hm? Probably 'cause of the bouncing mood.

My day was mega rad because I cut and dyed my hair all by myself -usually Jean and/or Deli are with me if not doing it for me- and I actually like it.
It's sort of white-blonde, pink, and purple; if you wanted to know.
Which of course you did, right? Psh'duh.

Keep 'em comin' lovelies.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Razors and shtuff.

Argh, my life is so boring.
I can't tell if time is moving too fast or too slow...
It's... awkward?

I'm listening to songs that I used to cut to...
Like, listen to while cutting? IDFK.
It's a bit ironic since this is the first time in a while that I've listened to this band and shtuff and it's also the first time in a while that I've had razors in my possession -like, close-at-hand.
Directly next to me on my desk, to be precise...
Are you scared?  So am I.
Just kidding, you shouldn't be scared.
I don't know why I said I was kidding?

Anybody else have trigger music? You don't have to name it if you don't want, just curious.

This is going to be a depressing post. I can already tell.
It's like... out with the new, in with the old?
I try to be happier, like... for you guys.
Nobody wants to read oh-so-sad, my-life-sucks, triggertriggertrigger, cutbingefatfatfat posts.
Sorry. Sorrysorrysorrysoryy.

Actually, nope, changing pace.
I want to try something.
Anybody ever seen fiveawesomegirls on YouTube?
If not, go look them up; it's done now, but it could be entertaining...
Yeah, I only watched at first for Haley but whatever. xD

Anyways, yeah;
What happened in your day today that was awesome?
I'm serious; think of something and comment and tell me.
It can be anything, ANYTHING.
That's a broad as Hell statement, but I'm not joking.
Everybody, right now, just scroll down and do it.
Or, even if you don't comment, think of something.
Don't think nothing; there's something about everyday, even if it's just the littlest thing.
Maybe you watched your favorite movie, sat and pet your animal for a while, hung out with your family or friends, or maybe you did nothing -and liked it.
I'm going to try and do this for a full week.
Yeah, that does mean posting everyday... Which will be strange.
And difficult since I won't be in-state or really near good service this weekend...
But I'll do it, and I'd be super honored if somebody else did too; whether it was in comments on my posts or in their own posts.
Also, you don't have to say your day was awesome; you can say it was nice, good, lovely, fucking spectacular... y'know, be creative. ;)
< 3

Today was awesome because I was slightly productive and emptied the dishwasher, which I never do.
And because I decided was going to stop being so lazy and be my "regular", could-possibly-be-described-as-upbeat self again and go and comment everybody's blogs.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Sleep and dreams.

I'm tired.
It's 6:25pm, and I'm fucking tired.
I woke up at, like, 10...
I love sleeping, but I've been having fucked up dreams.
They're not exactly scary, but they make me wake up randomly and I'm disorientated and freaked out and claustrophobic...
I hate it. I just want it to stop. I don't like dreaming.
Sleeping is entertaining enough for me without having to watch something while I'm doing it.

So sorry for not commenting on blogs and just being... a failure, I guess.
But, if you guys would be so willing to leave me a comment despite the fact that I haven't commented you guys back or anything at all, then mind telling me if you like the pictures I upload?
Or if you'd prefer more of those inspiring pictures that are a different inspiration than what's normally on here?
Or if you'd prefer more funny/random things?
I dunno; I'll still upload what I like and stuff, but I'll do less of one and more of another if there's a preference?

Whatever, I'm tired, and tweaked, and not in the mood to do anything what-so-ever..


Thursday, June 23, 2011

[More] Pictures.

I'm trying to be happy.
Not fake happy, or scared, or sad.

Some shtuff for your enjoyment... or hatred... or annoyance.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Cold and spiders.

Sitting outside on my trampoline, trying to be in the sun.
I'm fucking cold. I don't know why.
DAMMIT, this weather sucks dick.

I was supposed to have plans today, but they for crushed before 11a.m.
I woke up early for nothing, then I did nothing all day.
I'm supposed to have plans tomorrow too... Those will work out, or I'll be tweaked.

I re-found my dad's stash today.
He doesn't keep it in the same drawer anymore, but I smelled that drawer and it reeked.
He has sort of a lot, more than I've ever seen in one place at one time.

I almost smoked weed this weekend. ALMOST.
The onie -how the fuck do you spell that?- was empty by the time she gave it to me...
Then she just put it away.
Dumb whore can't be assed to get her own lighter... And I have to go with when she smokes up
She thinks she's cool.

There was just a little spider but I don't know where it went now...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Pissing and banana bread.

My mom just made banana bread.
It smells so fucking good.
But... I sort of don't want any.
More like, I don't need any.

Dude, my mom's sort of off her rocker.
I understand why I'm a little fucked up in the head watching her right now. xD
She's cleaning the top of the cupboards in our kitchen; so, she's all walking around on the counter and stuff.
...Her foot's nearly in the sink right now.
Ha. Well, if you're going to clean the kitchen, you gotta do it right I guess.

I have to piiissss. Dude, not cool.
I just pissed water. Bleh.

I think I drank my weight in water -in oz- yesterday.
Hopefully even more than that today.

I've realized something lately.
I don't like talking about shit like weight and food and shtuff on here, even though that's basically the whole reason I started this blog.
I don't really know how to explain why.

Latuhz, loveliez.

*Comment replies

LOL. My friend's boyfriend is exactly like that. It's aggravating.
-Slips off to Google to find the definition of endearing...- OH. Ha, okai. Awesome. :3

Yeah, it's weird. I've basically got my own language going on though, so I wouldn't be surprised if people from everywhere had difficulty understanding me. xD
Ohh... I think I'm just so biased against bisexuality because so many people are faking it now-a-days; like one of my friends, who is basically only "bi" when she's around certain people.
Haha, thanks, tell that to my mom. ;P
< 3

Like I said to Dont_Judge_Me ^^^, I'm just tweaked about all this sexual orientation stuff because there's so many people pretending and all that...
And I was honestly curious about what different people would do and all that.
...How/why would you write a paper for Math?  Now I'm confused again! xD

Monday, June 13, 2011

Night time and pet names.

I've got a habit of calling people "babe", "boo", "love", and all those other weird pet names.
It's actually only one person, and it's over the Internet, but y'know.
So if I ever call one of you guys that, like on a comment or something, think nothing of it...
Especially if you're not fond of it...
Maybe then tell me to fuck off.
Or you could tell me to fuck off anyways, no doubt people want to. xD
...That's really not that funny, isn't it?

I've been thinking too much, it's bothering me.
I want to vent, which is why I'm making a second post.
Nobody -me- would blame you if you stopped reading now.

Okay, so I'm pretty sure I'm not transgendered or transexual or whatever it is.
I don't have anything against anybody who is like that, and 'scuse my ignorance.
I honestly don't even know if those are the right words for what I've been thinking...
Anyways, today I just seriously wished I had a dick.
Like, I don't want to be a girl.  It's not even just 'cause I have the monthly.
If I was a boy though... I would probably be a huge jack-ass. xD
Notice the icon at the top? Yeeaaahhhh.
Or else I'd be major effeminate, androgynous, gay.
No, probably bi...

Okay, major question time; like, seriously.
If you're bi, or even if you're not and you have some kind of legit answer for this, what happens when you get married?  Or even if you're just in some kind of serious relationship?
Are you still going to say you're bi?  Or are you just going to cut the shit -that sounds insulting, DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY- and say I'm straight/gay -depending on your gender and who you married-?
I've seriously ALWAYS wondered that... Or, like, I have for a while anyways.

I feel better now.
I dunno, I guess I totally just felt bad 'cause I saw this thing of a little chubby kid...
It reminded me of my brother, and it pissed me off and made me cry at the same time.
I hate people. I just hate them.
I'm so terrified that my brother's going to have to go through stff that I went through, and it's going to screw him up.
I want to cry again.
I'm just scared.  He's my fucking brother, I'm the only one that gets to mess with him; if anyone's going to make him feel bad or make him cry, it'll be his one and only fucking older sister, no little sons and daughters of bitches and whores are ever going to touch him.
Ass will be kicked, most definitely.

I don't even mean that anything like bad has ever happened to him before.
He's popular.  Seriously, I'm almost jealous. LOL.
He hung out alone with nine girls today, at Vallefair.
It's like, LAWLwut?

This is too long, sorrehh.
I have a plan though, for the next twenty-seven or however many days it is until July tenth.
Weight loss plan, obvi.
Since I fail at life.

Latuhz, loveliez.

Comment replies*

@Skinny Fat Girl;
I don't really know what it is I said that came off sad?
Sometimes I think I'm Bipolar...
LOL, as if.
But, thank you anyways. Means a lot. < 3456789

LAWL, that's awesome.
I thought I was one of the only people that looked for things like that in pictures. xD
Best(/worst?) part is I know a girl like that IRL, and she's naturally like that.
She eats candy everday, and she lost a pound over Winter break.
It sucked sitting in front of her in SpanishII. xD

Oh, hey, but before I goooooo;
-This is directed at everybody that's scrolled down this far... xD-
People in the UK and other places that generally aren't the US say they have to do revision all the time?
Is that just another word for studying?  'Cause it makes me think of revising papers, like for English...
But you can't do that in Math?
Answering my dumb questions would be awesome. x3

Suuurveeyy and laptop screens.

There's stuff on the screen.
It's bothering me; it looks like water drops, but IT'S NOT.

I have to pisssss, this is bullshiiiit.

It sounds like my house is going to break...
I'm tweeaaaakin'.

Distraction survey time...
Size: Depends... anywhere from 5 - 9 (US), I think.
Age: 15 3/4 ;)
Highest Weight: ...170
Lowest Weight: ~120
Goal Weight: 111... maybe 97.

Favorite Diet Food?
Anything low calorie, I guess... Pickles are GOOD.

Favorite Binge Food?
Basically everything; chocolate lately, Oreos...

Favorite Exercise?
Swimming, walking, easy stuff. I'm mega lazy.

I guess "scene" or whatever the Hell, but anybody with an awesome leg gap, lovely arms, a stomach that is way skinnier than a belt (does that make sense?), and looks nice/confident is nice to look at sometimes.

What Makes You Slip Up?
Being bored, being alone, being hungry, being with my mom, sitting in my living room, sitting in my room in the middle of the night...

What Makes You Strong?
Not much, having already fasted/restricted for a day or two tends to make it easier, but those first days are the hardest.

When Did It Start?
When did what start?  Thinking not eating would make me a better person?  I don't know, I think it's just always sort of been in the back of my mind.  I've denied food and binged when I was alone for as long as I can remember; I do it subconsciously basically, I gues.

Does Anyone Know?
People that read this do.

Do You Want Help?
Only help that would actually help me would be someone taking all my food away and forcing me to look in a mirror and realize that IS ME.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Depends on the day, I go for somewhere around 1,000 a less on "binge days" and 500 or less any other time.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
I don't know, sometimes I don't even think it's me; it's complicated.

Are You In A Relationship?
Blech, no.

Is It For Attention?
Is what for attention?  Everything everybody does usually has an underlying intention of getting attention, so I guess most of what I do is for attention..

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?

Are You Depressed?
Doubt it.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
I almost cut a vein/artery or whatever the Hell last Halloween or something, but decided against it. Dunno if that would've killed me, dunno if that counts as an "attempt".  But I've obviously and definitely thought about it.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?

Are You On Any Medication?
Is it bad to say "I wish"?

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[fucked it up already] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

[I don't think they're serious] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[not often] call me fat
[if I call myself fat] say I’m skinny
[people probably think it at least] say I’m ugly
[sadly] say I’m pretty
[probably] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[think it] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x, or at least around 110] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[it's hard to hide fat] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[depends on the day] I could disappear

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[depends on what's shaking (lol), but I usually don't mind it] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[x] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10 lbs

LALALA. I'm bored again.
And need to piss again.

Oh, and awesome that people liked the pictures I uploaded. I'll do it again when I'm booorreeeddd, and have some cool pictures.
I like making people happy. ^^

I have to piss again, so;
Latuhz, loveliez.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Pictures. :3

Sometimes I just find things so lovely awesome, that I feel the need to show you guys.
This doesn't happen often, but since I've been actively searching for pictures of characters lately, I've been finding other stuff too...
Whatever. xD
I'm not going to bother with the sizes or where the pictures are, because... I can't be half-assed for that right now.
I feel like shit, because I got my period today and tried to fast.... and almost passed out while taking a shower.